I Hate / Love My Body

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I never talk about my body or weight issues on my blog, because sometimes I feel it is too personal to talk about and then I think "why would anyone want to know or care about how I look." The genuine answer is that they don't, nobody really cares about how you look as much as yourself. 

I have had body issues and issues with my weight since I was a child, and I don't want this to come across as I am blaming anyone for my issues as they are mine and mine alone, but there were a lot of factors into why I had issues as a child, growing up and now even as an adult. I am ashamed to say I look into the mirror every morning to see the size of my stomach. The part about me that I hate the most. 

Ever since I was young I was a dancer, a ballet dancer to be precise and so that comes with a preconcieved idea of how you should look becuase of professional ballerinas and as a child who wanted nothing more than to become professional, the way I looked made me unhappy. I wasnt overweight or anything like that as a child, I was fine, a little pudgy sure. Hey I was a kid who loved sweets and food, it was to be expected. As well, I was short and so comparing myself to the other girls in my ballet classes who were tall and slim, made me dislike how I looked. I was a CHILD.

As I got older I became aware of diet culture from friends, family and the media, oh that lovely media who teaches young girls that unless you are skinny, you aren't beautiful. I was again a teenager who adored food, I was thankfully taking dance classes a couple of times a week as well as PE classes at school so I was exercising enough to make my body a little more in shape. But I still wasn't completely happy with how I looked. I couldn't even escape it at home, my mum and sister were constantly on diets and restricting their food and that was something I never wanted to take part in. My dad would make comments like "Shouldn't you be on a diet" when he saw me indulge in food. I would reply saying "No, when have I ever been on a diet? I don't plan to go on one either". 

That has remained true to this day. I have never in my life been on a diet, for the simple reason of I don't want to restrict myself from food. That's the kind of person I am. I just eat healthier and go to the gym instead. I genuinely enjoy working out and exercising and I feel amazing when I do it.

That's when I started feeling great about my body, after I graduated I was working out almost five times a week and with a personal trainer, I wasn't doing this because I wanted to change how I looked. (It may have started out like that when I first joined the gym) but because I loved getting fit and working out and making my body stronger. I once was able to sumo press 30kg and I was so incredibly proud of that.

 Then I started boxing, and oh my goodness I adored it and my personal trainer was incredible and although I no longer train with him I still consider him a good friend and I will always be thankful for him for introducing me to boxing. I got so much stronger for it and I was in great shape, and managed to get to my dream weight, which I never thought was possible. 

Even though I got to my dream weight and was exercising and eating well, it was impossible to maintain that when I went back to University to study for my MA. Student life is well known for not having the greatest ideal of food and health even though I tried my best. In regards to my fitness it had decreased but that was inevitable due to me having classes and deadlines, however I did join my University's boxing society and doing hardcore workouts there which I loved and kept me active.

Through all of this my weight and view of my body has fluctuated, there were time when I loved my body and how I looked and sometimes this when I didn't even exercise and times when I was the fittest I had ever been and hated how I looked in the mirror. The pictures at the top of this post were taken 5 months apart. The first, a couple of days after Christmas when my fitness has started to decrease because of my deadlines and then the second from the start of this month (May) when I haven't trained since February and the difference is visible but in actuality the weight difference is only a couple of pounds. 

The reason I have spoken about my weight and fitness journey is to show how my body and mindset have been throughout my life and its true there are days when I cannot stand how my body looks, when I feel big and hate myself for not eating as well as I should or not going to the gym and then put myself in a horrible mood because I am measuring my value on my weight, size and body.
But despite all of that...

I love my body. 

I really do, my body has been through so much, both through what life has put it through and what I personally have put it through and it has always come out stronger. My body is the place where my heart,mind and soul are and they are so incredibly important to me, so how could I ever not loved what protects and homes them? 

Looking at the pictures above, it is easy to think that I am happier in myself in one of of them than the other, but honestly I was exceeding happy when both of these photos were taken, regardless of how I looked. I am incredibly fortunate to have incredible friends and supportive family and a caring boyfriend who are always there to help me remember that how I look isn't the be all and end all like how I think, and that I am so much more than a number on a scale or a size on a clothes label. 

My body is me, and yes I may have my down days where I forget how amazing my body is and hate the sight of it and then hate myself, but beneath all of that self judgement, I love my body and I am so incredibly proud of it and what it can do. I just wish I learnt that a long time ago.

Write again soon 
xxx

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2 comments

  1. I loved this Hols <3 You always look absolutely incredible and the most important thing is having a smile on your face! <3 xx

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  2. Holly, you look amazing and you should love your body! You are beautiful inside and outside!

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